There are many choices (AR)

When choosing a couch from Jennifer Convertibles, I would suggest making the classy one.

Presidents Day Trivia (AR)

With Presidents Day fast approaching, I thought I'd do a little research on some of the great men that held our nation's highest office. After much Googling, I was surprised to find the following.

• Grover Cleveland could fart the alphabet.
• Confused by the title, and in the midst of an energy crisis, Jimmy Carter tried to pass a constitutional amendment banning the Electric Slide.
• Even while he was President, nobody knew who the fuck Millard Fillmore was.
• James Madison invented the first version of Facebook, then known as Portraitbook.
• "The Great Depression" comes from the term Eleanor Roosevelt used to describe FDR's penis.
• John Quincy Adams thought pleats made him look fat.
• The Oriental Bell Telephone Company was formed at the behest of Chester A. Arthur so he could prank call his buddy Jim.
• George W. Bush is constantly irritated that his words do not fit in Sudoku puzzles.

Refocudencepline (CB)

Does your 1 1/2 year-old need a dose of discipline? Is he or she constantly muttering unintelligible things to you like "juice pweez" and "need go poddy"? How's her confidence? Does she cower in the face of brutal muggings? And what about focus? Is he constantly staring out the window when you're talking to him about politics?
Well this poster I saw on 23rd St. for the Professional Tae Kwon Do School for Children might be the answer to your child's problems. Time for Junior to start earning some respect in the sandbox. No kid from Jersey's gonna steal your son's ex-girlfriend or hose water on him in a bathroom stall at the Halloween dance!

Don't be friends with junkies! (CB)

Okay I know it's not nice to take pictures of people without their permission but these two people were asleep so what was I supposed to do, wake them up to sign a release form? Okay I also know it's not right to make fun of addicts but hear me out.

I saw this Wonder Duo in Union Square Park at 1:30pm on Tuesday nodding off in between potato chip bites. Obviously whacked out of their minds on crack or heroin, they were just puddles of people. At one point, a friend of theirs approached them to say hi. The couple woke up and languidly shook hands with him. The friend then began telling them a story, about what I do not know, but he was really delivering it with passion and vehemence.

As he spoke, the couple kept nodding off. Jeez, that poor guy. He probably spent all day crafting that story. He's also probably a guy who's self-conscious about how people respond to his presence. Like it's something he discusses with his therapist every week. In fact he had probably just come from a therapy session where his shrink was giving him pointers on how to make a splash in social situations- "make eye contact, be excited about telling your story, speak with confidence, use physical gestures to drive home a point.." etc. So for the first time, he was out trying these suggestions on people he knew, and those two crack heads fell asleep on him five seconds after he started talking! The damage that must have done. He'll probably never talk to another person ever again. Poor fella.

So my lesson here isn't to not do heavy drugs. It's to not be friends with people who do heavy drugs. They'll make you feel bad about your people skills. Then you'll probably go do heavy drugs.

What took so long? (CB)

I found what I call a "cinnapretzel" (pretzel with Cinnabun baked into center) at an AMC 12plex concession stand in Escondido, California.

I've waited a long time for this. All I want to know is what was the hold-up?

I want to know why in-house chefs at movie theaters don't exercise creativity like this on a regular basis. I mean, popcorn with "butter," nachos with "cheese," Twizzlers with rapper. I'm over it! When I'm watching Will Smith shoot alien rat-donkeys, I want both sweet and salty sensations together in my mouth at once while doing so. I'm an American god dammit!! I don't have time to alternate popcorn, Twizzler, popcorn, Twizzler, popcorn, Twizzler. What do I look like, a friggin' snack juggling clown?? I want cinnamon, twisted salty dough and frosting, BAM in one shot! Is that so much to ask?

More suggestions for great salty/sweet combos at the movie theater:

Glazed Salmon and Caper Donut
Curly Fry Ice Cream
Milk Dud Chowder
Cinnabun baked into Pork Chop
Ball Sack on Cupcake

Now we're talkin'.

Speak up America!

We get it, Clooney (AR)

I was watching the Critics Choice Awards on VH1 this past weekend because I needed something to do while snacking on carrots and peanut butter. George Clooney comes out to present an award and I wasn't even able to take in whatever it is he said about the writer's strike because the grey in his hair captured my eye the way stars do on a clear night. Listen, Clooney, do us all a favor and stop aging so well. His handsomeness is starting to become irritating. I mean, at this point, science should look into it. It's not normal. In fact, why don't we go ahead and change the name from tuxedo to "Clooney"--after all, he has a monopoly on looking perfect in one. I don't usually go on a rant about this crap, but it seriously boggles my mind that a man like that exists and is also a mere mortal. He should be on Mount Olympus drinking nectar with the rest of his kin. And guys, regular guys, how do you wake up with yourselves knowing you can never live up to that? Give up. It's pointless. Just be happy women are willing to settle.

Fashion

I was walking down Broadway when I came across this t-shirt. In keeping with the theme, Craig and I thought we'd come up with a few other t-shirt ideas.

"I'm With Palsy"

"My Parents Went To Cancun and All I Got Was Multiple Sclerosis"

"Epileptics Do It Better"

"No Shoes, No Shirt, It's Malignant"

"If You Can Read This You Have Hep-C"